Globally, the rate of suicide is alarmingly high, particularly in men. Too many men are ‘toughing it out’, keeping their feelings to themselves and struggling in silence. Movember is aiming to reduce the rate of male suicide by 25% by 2030, and I want to help them get there. Help me stop men dying too young. Help me change the conversation on masculinity, and teach young men it’s okay to communicate your feelings and thoughts, and confront mental health head on.
Growing up, all I ever wanted to be was a footballer. I mean there were other more practical dreams such as linguist, interpreter or marine biologist. But none of these interested me as much as the game I loved. What I didn’t understand at a young age was just the environment and customs of high level sport, how you’re a number, not a person and you’re treated accordingly so. I also didn’t realize how opinion based the whole thing was, a coach will select the players that he likes, and has a bond with, if you don’t fall in his clique then you’re chop liver.

So naturally with my Asperger’s syndrome, and the social issues that come with, I found it very hard to understand what was going on when things started to go wrong.

Leaving home to play out here in America for the last 3 years has been a fantastic experience, and the rewards have been very rewarding in the lessons I’ve learned and the growth I’ve experienced as a person. But by the same token, the lows have been low by nature of my depression and anxiety. When things weren’t going my way and I wasn’t playing or I was receiving criticism I found it very hard to rationalize and use positively to motivate myself. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t playing, or why a coach didn’t like me as a guy, why one coach would think I have a certain attribute like speed, but another would think I’m slow. Ultimately what I didn’t realize was that none of it mattered in the grand scheme of things.
It’s a slippery slope when you struggle with mental disorders, easy to develop a warped view of the world that you see as true. Easy to manifest things in people that aren’t there and drive yourself into loneliness and isolation. It’s a slippery slope which sometimes results in good boys losing their lives to suicide. All because of a dream that we develop as children in the game of football, it becomes part of your identity, your character, a major part of the fabric of your life.
When that’s taken away from you it’s a very very scary and immediate break in your life. I recently read a story about a young footballer called Jeremy Wiston. He was with Manchester City from age 13 through to his tragic death after they released him at 17. This broke my heart, all that talent, passion and love for the game gone at 17. He had a career at whatever level he wanted below Manchester City, but the heartbreak he experienced was too much to get through.
Naturally we are all different, especially athletes. Some are tough, in men’s sports, some try to be alpha. But many are sensitive, real people who fall to the pressure and expectations to be something they’re not. Some can’t cope with the rejection, mind games, loneliness.
I wasn’t going to do Movember this year around but Jeremy has made me rethink and reflect on where I was mentally last year. At my lowest, when I quit playing football, I was truly at rock bottom. Now that I’ve learned how to manage my conditions, the expectations of the world and now that I’ve matured I am miles away from the depression I experienced last year. I want to use my story, and Jeremys legacy to raise some money for men’s mental health this year again.